I’ve noticed a pattern in my behavior, a not-so-good pattern, something that’s taken me a while to recognize even though it’s been a habit for the past 6 years…
I think I’m addicted to change.
This is not a good thing, like you might think. Everyone says, “Change is the only constant, so we might as well get used to it.” But what if I am addicted to the wrong kind of change? What if I’m addicted to the small, seemingly insignificant changes that are actually a distraction from my life’s purpose?
Since 2010 I have moved seven times. SEVEN. TIMES.
Granted, these were small moves, within the same city—changing roommates, living in a studio apartment, and then moving in with my partner a year ago. We just received an offer to move again at the end of 2017, and I felt immediately inclined to take the offer. WHY? Why was I so quick to change my living situation again, only having just moved in to a lovely rental a year ago?
Since graduating from college in 2014, I’ve had 3 jobs. Yesterday, I applied to another job, even though I promised myself I wouldn’t. But I felt that itch again, that I was bored in my current position, that I needed a new challenge, something better and more exciting. As I was updating my resume, I realized that I had nothing to show that lasted longer than a couple months or years at a time. It was frustrating to see on paper, and I felt disappointed in myself for not sticking to one thing for a longer period of time.
I realize this pattern has happened partly because I am young and still exploring my interests and career opportunities. I’m very much still trying to figure out what my “thing” is in this world, and where I fit.
But also I recognize this behavior as a problem in for my big-picture goals and dreams. Changing my living situation and my work environment are my go-to responses when I am feeling stagnant in life. And they ultimately result in a whole lot of shit-nothing in terms of where I really want to be heading. I want to build my own creative business. I want writing and design to be part of my daily lifeblood. I want to apply to graduate school in another state. These are the kinds of things that take a lot of courage to admit, and even more courage to actually pursue.
Moving down the street and working at a similar but different job are not getting me anywhere closer to these big goals or the things that really ignite my curiosity and creativity. These small changes that I’m addicted to are motivated by fear, and I have been making fear-based decisions for far too long.
The big changes take courage, and for once, I really want to be the person who makes those courageous decisions.